187 · on · a · mothafukkin · cop

im creating a new journal. I'm starting a new life with new friends and without hard drugs. Because I want to. Not because of any of you. and everyone that bet against me can kiss my pretty little ass because you dont know me, you never did. goodbye.

Well, Thursday was my last day of high school. I graduated early, I met the requirements early so why bother to stay? its been kind of rough on the last two days because a suboxone piull threw me directly into withdrawal for eight hours wednesday, and then some weird shit happened at my party thursday that kind of sucked. Blah. At least I never have to see that place ever again.

We're moving to BG wednesday, me and Danny. It should be like 'the big move' for most people but since I've been living on m yown for two years now it isn't any different from the last time I moved, although I do imagine it will be better. I just hope Danny and I will do alright, save up our money for the real move and not spend them on drugs. So anyway, we plan to work and just kick it while we're living there in BG.

Then we gotta make the move to Yellow Springs, Antioch College. I'm so excited. This is the only college I really considered at all and I'm so glad I got in with half the tuition paid by one scholarship alone! I'm pretty sure I'll be going there for free. My ACT score and community service at Food Not Bombs (which I barely even thought to write down as community service) really paid off.

I can;t wait to get Danny out of here. It's so bad for him and for both of us, nothign here but drugs and boredom. No opportunities, no music anymore, nothing positive. I hope he gets to finish setting down his album before we leave, and we can try to find sombody to work on production with him.

We might be getting oxy tomorrow and that's bad news but I feel the need to mention it anyway. Danny hasn't done it in a few weeks now....

Eventually it won't be so hard for us to stay away from drugs.

wow, it's been two whole months since an update. I don't really care but i feel like i should say something just for the sake of itself.

lets see, i haven't done any needle drugs in about three weeks, and i really wish i had some. I've been feeling really good lately actually and I'm about to graduate, then move to BG and go to hookahville and then everything is going to get bettr this year. Danny seems to be doing better and he's about to be hired at ford makin lotsa bucks. we should be pretty well off from her on out.

6 days of school...

oh, and i;m registered for antioch. they gave me $15,000 a year so far. man, i have to go read hamlet.

This is me and baby boy on Xmas, courtesy of Mikey. Mikey got me this really awesome jacket, and so did my cousin Tom and his wife Cheryl. My dad even anded up giving Danny $150 and me $150. It was a good Xmas. I got to see my grandparents, which means a lot to me. I miss them.

Danny and I have been talking about how we are going to marry eachother. Obviously no law or religious shit. We are going to make our promises to eachother, because that is most important, and when I tell him I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I want that to be totally sincere and original from me, without any bullshit tainting it. We are more im portant than the law, so how is it the stupid, ignorant, meaningless law's place to tell us how we feel about eachother? It isn't.

I can;t wait to get him out of this shithole. I am going to make him so happy in Yellow Springs, just like he deserves. We will be truly happy. This is what I will think about to get me out of these next few months here in Crack City and in High School.

Well, I hope everyone has a good holiday/break/ New Year. Hit me up whenever.

Danny's asleep. His meds kept him from sleeping all night... I have soem Calculus to do. I really don;t want to go to high school anymore. I just can't wait to go to Antioch. I don't see why I should even bother finishing out my time in this Hellish place but I suppose I have to. But maybe I can graduate early. I have to just look forward to better days next year (well lat eMay/June for the most part) for Hookahville, my 18th birthday, our (official) one year anniversary, and my graduation. All around the same time, yipee. Literally in the same week though, from the 21st to June 1st or something like that. I've got to do some shopping for my grandparents and stuff this month, and me and Danny are gonna go to Sense and Nonsense. I want to go to a show too so there had better be something good. We are gonna do something for our 7 month anniversary too.

I really wish I was still into shit like I used to be. I used to dumpster dive and do public art and Food Not Bombs and shit, all the time doing demonstrations and publications and otu doing crazy shit and just getting excited about being alive. That was awesome. I hate school, it sucks the life out of me. I just cannot wait for Antioch. It will be such a change from this apathy-making system.

FriDaY motherfuckers FRIIIIIIIDAY is tomorrow w00t... give me a call if you wanna hang out. listening to the requiem soundtrack. doing some homework. waiting for danny. yeps. i loves him.
i dont want to think about anything really right now so i am nto about to type anythign insightful. If you were hoping for somethign insightful (which i havent written since i deleted my previous journal) than you can stop reading now. I'm feeling pretty good and i dont want to fuck it up so im not about to think about anything other than that tomorrow is friday. And i hate fuckign politics. fuck the empire, fuck capitaslism, nafta, wto imf, and fuck oil. Just thought id remind you all of where i stand (as if you could forget), and oh, viva zapatistas!

Man I can be depressing. New trimester today, I'm gonna have to try because Klever is kind of a tough grader. Got my first B in an English class ever this trimester. But I got an A in calculus. wtf? I also got a 29 on the ACT. Well... yep. I gotta take it again and try for a 30. Blee. Danny gets paid on Friday... I can't wait we are going to party the fuck down. Huppster, I'm gonna fuckin miss you. You had better make your way back up here for Hookahville, and me danny you and meg are all gonna go together and own on some hippie motherfuckers. Heh. Well, I have nothign to do because Danny is at work.

Happy day to all you heads out there, cop killas. It's a dangerous man who speaks with his hands. Beat junkie sound system just rolled into town.

My GOD what a fucking stressful ass night. Nothing on my mind now but dope. I wanna get so fucking high, sweet apathy, relaxation, forget about this all.

I've sort of just been expressionless lately. What am I doing? you can ask me but I don't think I'll have a response. What motivates me? Nothign that I can think of. I'm really confused about why the hell I bother with so many things I really don't give a fuck about, like school. I REALLY don't give fuck-all about school. This apathy is sort of pathetic., I remember what things used to be like when i cared about things in life. Things used to make me angry and make me fight back. I miss that, I used to be a living breathing entity back then. But now? A simple pleasure-seeking apathetic blob. Something whose motivations are to suck pleasure out of things without giving anythign back or using any effort whatsoever. Where are all the people who I used to actually contribute to life with? What happened to all of that? Well, pathetic ramblings...

Really I wish I wasn't broke so I could just get high. Something to just allow the apathy to take over instead of being half-apathetic with a feeble little conscientious objector in the background. At least that way I could feel together at some sort of conclusion instead of in some sort of constant inner turmoil.

Yeah well how mant Pots have you smoken?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ut app
Berkeley App
Fee waivers?
BG
Scholarships apps
Artists thing

yo, check it-
im a soldier fighting soldiers for equality
a master of the needle, i practice dark dichotomy,
im a dealer criticizing male social frailty
i wont sacrifice my dignity, it gives me wisdom,
and ill crush the fucking system,
i refuse to work within them,
i refuse to be the victim of a lifeless proper diction
a suburban conviction that lacks a real rhythm
or a life-
watching these drunk ass motherfuckers beat their wife
watching children starve while politicians fan the hype
screaming about the fucking war on terror
youre rich and white- the empire is in your favor
if you didnt lock up ghettos like a new-age slave owner
maybe wed rise the fuck up and load the fuck up
wise the fuck up and blow the pentagon the fuck up

i hate being broke. oh well. cocaine fuckign sucks. i want some dope so badly. i hate it when the seasons change. it depresses me so much. bobby rice is cool he gives me money for lunch. also i hate calculus, and my grades sort of suck because its getting hard to take such a stupid thing seriously. oh well. what happens happens and i suppose ill get when i get as a reaction to how i act. things will work out in accordance to my actions then i suppose. and my actions i think are pretty good. i dont think ill be penalized for not valuing a system i find to be immoral anyway. so however that works out is however it should i suppose. so im not afraid.

too much homework, too much stuff ot think about... peruvian coke.... i dunno. i really don tknow whre im going or where i want to go. everything really seems just about the same to me, either way. if things turn out one way, itll be just as well as the other. nothing seems to really cause any different feelings in me anymore. i don tknow if this is good or bad. i imagine it might be bad because the hings that do get a reaction from me are bad things like not being able to get fucked up. that makes me mad. i dunno. i htink other stuff migh tbother me too, its just going to school like this removes you from every natural and realistic experience, so you sort of lose sight of what you ever liked or disliked or cared about because youre in such a routine. well, i love immortal technique. Harlem streets is a great song. and no, we arent making the uzis or growing the poppies, youre right. but the future of war and drugs is upon us, and what else are we to do, when disconnected from eachother and without clarity or hope/motivation, full of apathy? i dunno. caring about things in the world, geopolitics, peace, life, love, a real communal society- well, if you care for a little bit, you will become so distressed that you will become more apathetic than the most ignorant rats out there. in fact, any mention of the loss of the clarity and revolutionary thinking that you used to have will probably result in some sort of escaping behavior with which you avoid your old lost self that you miss so much. but that self was killed by the weight of the world situation. it sort of crushes us all, because it is so vast and as we develop we lose our hopes as they are replaced by more realistic realizations of the inablity of anyone to control what happens to them and the world. but really, i dont know. im going to tke a nap until my boy gets home.

Dope man, bringing me some high...
 
Man I cannot even make sentences when I'm stoned! Exhibit A: previous post.

W00t everything is going fucking great, no more court shit, no more college fees, fuck YEAH! And back to $15 an hour. Woot woot woot. I love ska, too.
Oh yeah and FUCK ALL OF YOU, haha. I'm doing fucking great and I can't fucking WAIT to get this call because I got a 93% on my calculus test, I'm rocking the SHIT out of calculus.

Danny is so cute, he's asleep on the floor...

I love him so much and he got all those court extensions today. I'm so happy, he's not going to jail, and I got a scheme to come up with the fuckin money he owes.... and in 9 months...

ANTIOCH!

I'm in such a good mood, Dope Man Dope Man call me back...

I'm the fuckin ANOMALY. Bitch, it's true. All this crazy shit happens to me but I fucking OWN on it all the time, so I spit in the face of those who try to fuck with me. Throw it at me, come on, but you know you're secretly afraid that I'll be able to take it, crush it, and make something out of the ashes. So I look you in the eyes and say, I'm not fucking afraid anymore. With a smirk.

No matter what the fuck life throws at me/
I continue to make it through indefinitely/
Immortal Technique defeats the odds repetitively/
Until there ain't shit ahead of me competitively/
Surviving in tough times is imperative to me/
looking at the whole world revolutionarily.

Immortal Technique says it best, I know what the fuck he's rhyming for. and so,

My mission is to take you/
Lyrically break you/
Lyrically assassinate you/
Lyrically incinerate your body and recreate you/
To destroy the power that mentally incarcerates you.

I wish I was so articulate, though.

the velvet underground are singing to me, im stoned so i can sleep, thinking, cuz when the smack begins to flow, we dont care anymore. dont want to do this essay. marcos called. this is called FUCK ALL YOU STUPID MONKEYS. ill do exatly what you think is wrong for me to do and just laugh at yu while i do it. haha

I don't know just where I'm going
but I'm gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And I'll tell ya, things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus' son
And I guess that I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know

drugs really arent doing it for me anymore. Theyre so good a the time but they always suck later. im tired of shit. i go to school for 8 hours and work after that, and then homework and shit, and all i want is for danny to be ok... i dont care what happens as long as he is alive and free, i just really dont care as long as i can have that. but i dont feel so stable because i dont know if thats going to happen. i cant stop worrying.

julie and mike cant afford this anymore. danny only works about 15 hours a week. i have to pay for college applications and the act and sat. my dad and his insanity loom in the background. and when this is all over, will me and danny have enough money to survive? there is no one for me to fall back on, or him really. we are on very thin ice.

i am very very tired of thin ice. my whole life, negative things just dropped in on me all the time. im saturated; i cant hold any more. thats what thin ice is. if another thing happens, well, i dont know. i cant run to drugs anymore. its not cutting it, although honestly i wish it would. people are always telling me im so strong because of all of this. im not, though. really. if you got in ym head, youd see. im very serious. all i do is run form everything and cover my ass. i never solved a damned thing in my life. it was nice when i started thinking about this to say to myself, ill jjust fucking get high and nothing in the world will be able to touch me anymore. but thats gone, and now what?

could i get some slack, please? i mean, just for a little while. i just want to take a rest. i know life is going to be shitty all the time, but can i rest first? im just really tired. im so tired that im asking something that isnt there to give me some sort of mercy. but there is no end. even if i fall through the thin ice, i still have to drown and all that shit. id just like for it to stop for a minute.

one instant, the single convolution of the simplest moment
a savior like the needle in your arm, but you break down
smokin up hubs to escape the lack of love from reality,
a washed up bitch beaten down by her pitiful matrimony
a hope to escape the depths of the rich and phony
with a call and a deal and a shot towards the brain its only
twelve seconds then surrender to relief, the angels beat
white light, white heat, one second and you feel complete
but its only a movie, you live for the stories of beauty,
but the screen darkens and your evils are walkin, theys movin
you remember your pain and escape, to this date you cant relate
no answers, you couldnt tolerate the uncertainty and hate
of reality, to the tee, staring back at you then me,
with a nine in its hand and a pill in the other,
saying brotha, make a choice, leave this place for another
or take what you see and face a gun with some bravery
eyes wide to reality commentary on to be and not to be
in a future of uncertainty, facing death in its infancy
it takes the shape of your fears but dies lonely only
when you ressurrect your abilities to be brave, stonely,
stare death down while your mind is racing, pacing,
solving the riddles at which you meddle and fiddle
in the face of the end, you only depend
on your brain and thoughts and view, and you see
clearly like the seas parting anew in the breeze
a bullet hole in your forehead to kill and disable
is needed for a place to develop a media fable
your third eye, open wide by the thoughts kept alive
from a life as intense as the strife we all face and survive
the pills kill us instantly, we fall in the view
that you see wrought anew by the misery in your history
without a nine to the face you never knew what escape could do
to a brain asking why to its bain of existence
youll never know why without the misery in us
its knowledge, and the addict could never communicate to us
till he looked death in the eyes without clouding the view up
and with a new sentence said, while rapped to perfection
"i never knew life til the fuckin end when i bled
and while dying i knew there was nothing but death,
and if i got back id be a little less whack
and face all the things i lacked to attack and id see
from this moment of clarity, the nine is reality,
the pill is the death of me and im on a stretcher, see,
my life ended me when i chose instead to flee
in ignorance. but fearlessness, its bliss,
and without life's misery and none of these holes left in me
they could never be filled by my moments of clarity,
and wholesome ignorance of escape in a pill
would never leave room for love and the illest time in my life
where i battled the rig and the knife and the pipe
and i spit at oppression, forcing us all into this delusion
i spit at contusions, rhymes in unison, all in fusion,
fighting our pills that are fears, vices, escapes,
with which i cannot create, love, know, or hate,
i know in my mind a shot to the face
cannot exist without fear, which uncovers, demisting
the holes it leaves in my body in hard times and oppression
let me view the world with death behind me, so everythings real
using escape of the pill showed you the truth of the sreets,
but when you know its escape is fake and brave death in its sake,
you and me, we see the world through the eyes of a junkie awake."

talk about thousand mile stare...